Archive for September 7, 2010

Leafsong’s Diary 7.9

Ah, Elune! I have been forced to confront something about myself which is not that pleasant.

Now, don’t think that I am one of those females who pretend that they have no flaws. I know that I have flaws. But I’ve always been very proud of my flaws,  because they are only flaws in society’s eyes; whereas to my family, they are great benefits. I don’t think that I’m explaining myself proper-

— (Customer came in, Shyla was doing something in the back room so I had to charge downstairs with a terrified Flora in my arms. Shyla really should pay more attention to the shopfront, I was always mostly attentive with regard to rapid customer service. Actually, my eyes were always on the customer because I was so paranoid that they would steal something)

Anyway, here is my list of ‘positive’ flaws about myself, which were highly valued when my family and I were living in poverty in Nighthaven:

Being a penny-pincher meant that money never got wasted on frivolity, and could be spent where it would benefit the family

My obsession with money means that we- well, got as much money as was available to people in our circumstances.

My obstinacy translates to a stubborn refusal to take only what little Elune granted us – to continuously seek to improve our situation, no matter what.

My thievery meant that we had food on the table throughout the cold Moonglade winters, when the more honest among us starved.

But now, thank Elune (and my mate), my life has changed so completely that the three above ‘positive’ flaws, are now unwelcome, and almost ridiculous. I know that my husband is bemused, and often offended, by my constant paranoia about our fortunes, both present and future. He stopped me from hoarding a little stash of coins beneath the bed, he refuses to let me horde every spare copper coin- but insists on investing it! He shakes his head with exasperation when he catches me eyeballing some fat noble’s dangling pocketwatch, and restrains my quick fingers.

So these traits which were so valuable at one time, are now making a fool of me. And, worse, now that I live in comfort with a solid roof over my head, it seems that another set of flaws have sneakily wormed their way into my character. I always prided myself on not- well, succumbing to the more, um, hysterical characteristics of the other female adolescents who were in my druidic classes. I wasn’t a feminine person, I was logical, practical, calculating.

But now, I have had at least three episodes where I have acted – to use an uncannily accurate human expression- a complete drama queen. Overreacting, shrieking, accusing my mate of being cold and neglectful. My poor mate has no idea how to deal with me when I collapse into these unwarranted female hysterics, and often reacts (understandably) with vexation and anger.

I don’t know why I do it. The Leafsong of five years ago would look at my pathetic agitation with derisive scorn. Is it because I’ve become spoilt, these past two years? Because of the comfortable home in the Park, the three meals a day, the blankets and the attention? The luxury? I don’t know how to fix myself. Part of the reason why my husband deigned to take such a young mate was because I didn’t act my age. The hardships that I- all of my family – suffered, left no room for childish immaturity. But now, am I making up for those lost years?

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